And Zen What

You know that proverb? Something about you should never try to teach a pig to sing because it'll never work and it'll only annoy the pig--that one?

Well, some days I feel like that's a warning aimed at my basic job description.

It's my job, or a part of it, to teach the children some decent percentage of the rules of civilization.

It's their job to avoid learning them.

Give the unequal power distribution, there are inevitable results. The "I forgot" scenario, for instance.

Kids will say, "OH! I forgot!!!" when reprimanded for: not flushing the toilet, not clearing their places at table, not picking up the thing (Power Ranger, candy wrapper, underwear, pen, crayon, piece of food, rubber dagger, coin, rock, etc) they've just stepped on, fiendishly bugging their brother/sister, slamming the doors, not brushing their teeth, not combing their hair, not chewing their food, chewing their food with their mouths open, hitting their brother/sister, running around the very wet and slippery perimeter of the pool, not putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, taking the batteries out of the remote, making fart noises at the table, feeding the dog people food, not washing after toileting, interrupting, wrestling on the couch, tattling, name-calling and, generally, indulging in many other pleasures of youth.

Why, oh why, do they always say "I forgot"? It's maddening, especially when you hear it 50 or 60 times a day.

I think I've figured it out, finally. My theory is that they hope that "I forgot" is a get-out-of-jail-free card.

They play this card when your world and their world collide. As she catapults out of the bathroom full tilt because she is the Princess Gangamooshoonu being pursued by the Minions of Evil, Three hears my "Did you flush?" as an annoying intrusion and a buzz kill that must be brushed away as efficiently as possible. "I forgot," she concludes, will probably not completely dam up the inevitable flow of Mom, MOM! verbiage, but it sure as heck is gonna be a shorter deluge than if she answers "No" or "I don' wanna" or even "I am the Princess Gangamooshoonu! Kneel when you address me!"

You can't tell a kid, "No, honey, we don't 'forget.'" Not if you are me, anyway--and no, you don't need to know why. (Let's just say the pot and the kettle comes to mind here.) My point is that given that you can't get control of the behavior in question in the first place (raise your hands if you've ever just gone in and flushed the danged thing yourself without even asking the requisite parental question), how on earth do you get them to stop doing the "I forgot" thing?

To your kids, your constant preoccupation with such things is just as annoying as their lack of attention to them is to you. But you have to keep trying to stop them dead in their tracks, and they have to keep trying to keep going. It is not going to end. The fat lady is not going to sing.

As I am not a parenting expert, nor do I play one on the internet, you will not be surprised that I have no clue how to fix this, which is after all only one of the many child-rearing no-exits every parent faces every day.

I do know that you've just got to get all zen about it, or you will lose what's left of your tiny mind.

So. Try this as you flush the toilet for the 47th time. My gift to you, a Mom, MOM! koan:


In fact, sing it. Loud. Who knows? With any luck, it'll annoy the children