And Zen What

Once in a great while, we are granted a moment of crystalline clarity.

Last night, during the bedtime ritual time, Four just could not wind down. He was chattier than I've seen him in a long time, talking fast, switching topics faster. Then all his topics started clustering around one: middle school.

Now, Four is in 3rd grade, so that's a while off. But Three is going next year, and Two is entering high school from that same middle school Three is starting and Four is worrying about.

It's a good school. Very student centered. Very approachable faculty, administration, and staff. Very quick to resolve issues.

But it is a middle school (here, that's 6th through 8th grade). Full of kids at arguably the hardest stretch of development a human has to face. How could it not be scary, even at a good, safe school?

So we are chatting about all that.

Then we get to the moment where suddenly Four puts on his most guileless face (it washes over his face like the sunrise over tree tops). "You know," he remarks, "I wouldn't be afraid of middle school if I had a little phone I could call you with."

This was the crystalline moment. Several revelations burst upon me at once:

1. He has been campaigning for a cell phone for the last several months, in part because they are cool and One has one. So there's that. But still.....

2. Even so, there is a real issue here. Middle school is scary, and Four is especially susceptible to the kinds of scary it is. Because he's afraid of it, the move to middle school feels like tomorrow to him, just like tomorrow can seem like a million years away to a child looking forward to something.

3. He's always been worried about not being able to locate me (even though, so far, knock wood, it's never happened). We've had a lot of conversation about how he will always be able to, going over what he'd do in all kinds of scenarios.

4. I'm going to be gone for 2 weeks soon. I will have a Panda phone and Skype on my laptop, and he is allowed to call me no matter when for no matter what, but still he worries.

5. No one will ever care as much about his little foibles and worries as I do. No one. I hope his future partner will, but s/he will need to be loved back. I like being loved back by my kids of course, but their love isn't the same as mine for them, or as a life partner's is for the other.

6. This is the essence of motherhood. Nothing else.

That all burst on me like fireworks, suddenly, in the darkened room, talking to my sweet boy about why 3rd graders don't actually need cell phones. And it's why I must live forever, because every one of us needs that kind of attention and knowledge and love every day of our lives.

But he's still not getting a cell phone.